oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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