omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
