so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
