My room smells like vodka and shame
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
