You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
