Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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