Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
