I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
We named our party play list daddy issues
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
