Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
