Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
