when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
