I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
