i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
