My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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