It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
