no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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