My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
