He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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