I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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