i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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