I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
