Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
