you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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