I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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