Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
