I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
