your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
