remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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