My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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