R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
