based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
