I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
