If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You made out with two different species that night
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
