I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
