matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
