Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
