Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
