i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i already hear my dad disowning me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize