Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
