somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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