I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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