I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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