I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
