I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
jump out the window naked night went bad
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
