Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
