It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
