I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
