i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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