1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
