I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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