the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
