don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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