Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
