mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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