I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
