Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
